man...

okay, so heres the deal. this weekend was rough. seriously. this weekend i became an aunt...not for reals, but for fakes. my best friend (julie margaret) had my little nephew, tylan james on friday, june 12. and boy (he is one)...let me tell you...PRECIOUS. sooo on sunday, i made the trek over to his home town to spend some quality time with him and his precious momla.

but now, i suppose is a good time to explain why it was difficult. on april 20th, i had a precious baby girl, haevyn baisley. and here i am crying. anywho. haevyn was stillborn on the 20th...but actually died on the 18th (in utero). the doctors have decided that she slipped into the cord sometime around the 18th (this is when she stopped growing) and this is why she died.

and it's weird, because i am SO happy for julie and jeff (the pops), but i am so sad for me and my love. and i can't really explain it. it is almost like a jealousy thing...and i am seriously trying not to be jealous, because that is selfish, but i can't help it. after all, i was supposed to have a precious baby girl right now, in my arms...and i don't.

so, that is where i am at. today is a rough day. OH...and did i mention, i quit taking my happy pills? that is contributing to my emotional wreck state...but i feel like i need to have emotions. i haven't had real ones since haevyn's funeral, and for me to be able to release, i need them. so i made an executive decision and i stopped taking them. NOW...we will see how much of a basket case i become...and if it is extreme (i will keep you posted), i will start them back up.

now, let me post some pics...maybe...